I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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