I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
