Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
