Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
