I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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