i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
