Me. At least after what I've been through.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
