im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
When are your genitals available?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
