I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
