I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Randomize
