I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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