Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
