You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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