I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
