Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
