Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
