just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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