I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
FUCK WHALES
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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