Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
