life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
