I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
