Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
The power of my boobs compel you
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
