when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Randomize
