i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
