Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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