Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Randomize
