I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
