There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
