I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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