Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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