he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
