what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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