nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
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