your parents love me but you hate me
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Randomize
