Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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