pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
