So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
