I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
