so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
