Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Randomize
