Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
You took a bar mat shot.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Randomize
