woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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