I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
