and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
worst night to have a conscience
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
