I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
