Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Randomize
