R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
