You really coming over, don't trick.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
i need some magic done to my vagina
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
