I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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