I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
