I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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